How to help my partner understand?
I love my husband very much, but he simply doesn’t understand what I’m going through and I’ve found it hard to discuss the topic of menopause with him, so I’m partly to blame. I want to explain that my recent mood swings and other symptoms can largely be explained by this major change taking place inside my body, but don’t even know where to begin. We chose not to have children so I can’t refer to that period of hormonal changes. Any advice for how to best communicate what’s going on to a loving, but clueless, partner?
- Lorraine, Dallas
I am probably in a very small minority using Caria as I am a bloke. But that doesn’t stop me recognising your pain and to some extent seeing myself in your partner. I too did not ‘get it’ when my wife went trough menopause. Well – I do now! Why? Because i am on hormone therapy to stop all testosterone production in my body to aid my recovery from Prostate cancer. As a result I too am now going through the menopause. I truly had no idea what that meant. Weird, horrendous, uncomfortable, impossible to truly describe. So many symptoms… Read more »
Hi Lorraine, My husband wanted to read something to understand what I’m going through, as I’ve only been in this for about 8mths so far. So I sent him (my husband of 34 years) a link to the Jean Hailes website, then go to the menopause section, then the “information for partners” section. Very helpful. My husband actually read through all the sections, but I know not all men would do that. But I suggest you at least ask him to read through that section for Partners. Hope that helps as you need to be in this together to get… Read more »
Just looked at Jean Hailes ’ site and there’s some useful info to pass onto partners and some good reading for all of us who are in the menopause. I’d not heard of her until you mentioned her, so thank you Wendy and thank you to Lorraine for starting the discussion ??
The way I’ve described it is similar to the way I described being pregnant: there are all these systems in your body that are dormant your whole life, then all of a suddenly, it’s like someone flips on all the switches. Your body starts doing all these amazing and weird things. Perimenopause is very similar, but there are new switches, and old systems are being shut off, then back on, then back off. I think it’s best to describe what you are experiencing as precisely as you can. If you’re having hot flashes, describe them exactly as you feel them.… Read more »
I can totally relate to you my husband just looks at me and total silence. We also agreed not to have children so am confused ??♀️ half the time myself let alone trying to explain it a man. I ask him often do I seem different to you he always says no. But I feel different hourly.
I read your message to my husband, I got a complete blank expression, my husband seems to not want to understand and even bringing it up has him running for cover! We row, we talk, he says he gets it but only on the surface. He has no idea I’m screaming inside some days. I had a hysterectomy in December then just after my recovery lockdown happened. I feel quite lonely some days. Sorry I can’t help you with any advice, I sympathise as some men just don’t get what we go through ?
So sorry Sharon, my perfectly reasonable husband had no desire to understand either. He has passed comment that he thinks I am imagining the symptoms the more I read about it… I have also heard the sentence “well my mother never had any of this”, she did but she never spoke about it…
Hi Lorraine, I would suggest you sit down and explain … honesty is always the best route as he could be thinking worse about your relationship. Get some reading material together and suggest reading them together. You may find material specifically for husbands with wives with menopause symptoms. You will both feel much better x
I think you have to be honest and sit down and explain it to him. If you can’t talk about it how can he understand. My husband had hyperthyroidism, totally changed his perspective, to my horrendous periods, he is now much more sympathetic and it opened up an an avenue for discussion. Once we started communicating it was so much better. One horrible symptom I have is panic attacks in my sleep, not often, but I have to wake him up as I feel genuinely terrified. We have to be as women more open about What is happening to our… Read more »
I believe that women need to talk much more than they currently do, to their partners, their children, friends, work colleagues, everyone, everywhere! Only by honesty and getting this out there does everyone begin to understand. We don’t do ourselves any favours by quietly enduring. I have teenagers daughters and a 10 year old son, my husband told me to be quiet when talking about periods one supper time, my daughters were outraged that he should not see the importance of normalising such discussion and the benefits to my son of understanding these subjects.
Believe you me, I tell EVERYONE, thanks to me being so open I get tons of women talking, women who I’ve just met outside the bank, at the post office, in the queue at the supermarket….and if men who usually just roll their eyes or chuckle when I start, I really get the discussion going by mentioning that all men have to worry about is their prostate unlike women who have periods, give birth to children, stretch marks, menopause etc etc.
Hi there have you tried getting videos DVDs that explain to spouses or ask gp for a joint apt perhaps he may listen to a professional
I tried to explain to my “then” partner, despite it being difficult for me to understand why I was behaving and feeling the way I did while going through peri menopause….he never listened, wasn’t interested and decided to see someone else in his age bracket (14 years OLDER than me ) and I kicked him out when I finally found out.
Perfect ending! ??
My husband says that he started understanding a lot more after I showed him a TED talk video on YouTube.
https://youtu.be/xuM7ZS7nodk
Once we understood how and why we had trouble communicating at times it was much easier to have these conversations.
I’ve been going through this for about 4 years now, with things getting gradually worse. Last year after another screaming match I actually asked my husband if he had any idea what the menopause was. His reply was “hot flushes and bad temper” this was after I’d been on several different hrt’s without finding one that suited. I was so angry and hurt with him. That day he took the time to research on the internet. That evening he came home with flowers and an apology and said he had no idea what could be involved . We talked more… Read more »
My husband has also struggled to understand menopause. He definitely won’t read anything about it so there is no chance sending him a book or article would help. I tried to explain hormones to him – the closest thing he understood was testosterone and how it’s levels up/down affect men so that’s not a bad starting point. My mistake was assuming he KNEW what menopause was. So I asked him. He thought it was just hot flashes and women not wanting to have sex! I showed him the symptoms log on the Caria app. He was surprised. He said he… Read more »